What DO You Do When Bob Keeps Saying "Give It Everything You've Got"?
This week's delve into the life and times of Bob, and my relationship with him, considers one of our longest "battles" - how to be selfless and give myself mentally, emotionally, energetically etc so people get what they need without diminishing the importance of meeting my needs or having them met by others. I'm not going to lie - it is a struggle I still have and, at this point in time, I have more questions than answers; however, I also know that I'm not the only one so hopefully by discussing it here, it can become just one more way we can connect and become a community. There is also a watery theme this week - mainly because the content for the blog came to me whilst I was swimming. There is something about being in water that instances brings me peace and calm (I'm Piscean, rising Piscean...I shouldn't therefore, really, be surprised by this fact I guess!). However, the thing that really helps me to empty my mind of the day's "noise" is the sight, sound and feel of the bubbles I create when I exhale underwater. A total sensory and immersive experience.
The Life & Times of Bob & Me
I am an empath. When I see people feel, I feel with them. I am a strong advocate for the idea of community. When we come together as a rag-tag, disparate bunch of beautiful souls, I believe there is very little that can't be achieved. I am a fierce mama bear when it comes to my friends and family. When I see them hurting, or scared, or lost I will stand with them until they find their way. When they succeed I will applaud them for being the amazing people they are. I am a psychologist. When I help people/teams/organisations to realise their potential, I get the biggest buzz from it. I am the phoenix mage. When I was given this name, I felt a piece of the puzzle fall into place.
But am I worthy? -Ish...sometimes...well...occasionally...very occasionally...actually I am only worthy in very specific circumstances and only then if I've been a really REALLY R.E.A.L.L.Y good girl (which, of course, is dictated by someone else/others).
Oh Hello Bob! There you are.
This is the crux of the matter - no matter how much work I do (and I've come a LONG way since choosing to discover my true self) I still often feel that to be worthy I am supposed to be everything to everybody in every way; i.e. the perfect giver of everything I have got. However, I must not ON PAIN OF SOMETHING HORRIBLE, PAINFUL, & FINITE ever include myself in the definition of "everybody". To do so would be selfish, the height of arrogance, hubris and narcissism. This is Bob's POV. I understand it. I know where it comes from. Intellectually, it makes sense and I like that because I trust my head far more than I trust my heart or soul/gut (a big reason, I've discovered, why I was drawn to psychology in the first place!). In other words, I trust Bob more than I trust myself.
However, I am also flawed. I get things wrong, probably more times than I get them right. When I do, I try to learn and grow and heal so I can hopefully do better next time but it sometimes takes a few goes. I also understand this. I know where this comes from too. Intellectually, emotionally and instinctively it makes sense (a big reason why my work as a psychologist looks to understand and educate others on the beauty and shadows associated with human error).
The dissonance this caused ultimately led to a total and utter break down kick up the butt by the universe. This is because I ignored it completely and continued to push myself until I had less than nothing left to give. Even so, and despite significant mental, emotional and physical health issues, I was determined to "keep calm and carry on" (FYI - I hate that saying as it's etymology/purpose has been completely lost/forgotten in the rise of "meme" culture).
I don't know why I finally chose to put my needs first, I suspect it was a combination of factors, but I did. I started including myself in the list of people I gave my time and energy too. I started to give myself permission to rest and recover when I needed to do so; thanks in huge part to the amazing Kate Parker, medical herbalist extra-ordinare (https://www.horsechestnutherbals.co.uk/). I sought help for the chronic back and neck pain I suffered with for years from a chiropractor whose stall I accidentally stopped in front of at a spiritual/holistic fair because, ironically, I had excruciating pains in my legs and needed to breathe through it so I could keep walking (I have never felt better as a result! https://lifebalancechiropractic.co.uk/). I began to close the wounds I and others had inflicted on my soul by embracing spiritual practice and healing from two friends - Rachael (https://www.rachaelsreikihealingandbeyond.com/) and Anya (www.anja.me).
I've made progress. I am still a work-in-progress; as demonstrated by an exercise we did whilst on retreat last month in which we had to write on a board all the things we give to others (very easy to do and a VERY extensive list!) followed by what we accept/receive from others (much harder unless it was something negative).
Then I remembered something that I came across (I cannot for the life of me remember where from though) and it has helped quieten Bob's voice...rather than calling meeting your own needs "selfish", think of it as being "self-ish"; i.e. you are giving some of yourself to you.
Treating Ourselves As We Treat Others
Kristin Neff's book "Self Compassion - Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind" (2011) has been a really useful resource in my journey to accepting that it's OK to be self-ish. On page 7 (yes the lightbulbs really did start lighting up in my head that early on in the book!!) she writes:
"From the Buddhist point of view, you have to care about yourself before you can really care about other people. If you are continually judging and criticising yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation."
She goes on to say:
"...instead of relying on our relationship [with her fiance] to meet all our needs for love, acceptance, and security, we could actually provide some of these feelings for ourselves. And this would mean that we had even more in our hearts to give to each other"
From her research, Neff has identified three core components of self-compassion:
- Self-kindness - the act of being gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than being our own worse critic (I certainly held the belief that NO-ONE could possibly criticize me better than I could for a VERY long time)
- Common humanity - the recognition that everyone experiences life and therefore is a way to foster connection even when those experiences may be different.
- Mindfulness - the holding of our experiences in balanced awareness; i.e. we have to experience both the bad and the good whilst reminding ourselves that both will pass with time.
I'm getting good at the third, finding my way through the second and feel like a baby just starting to take their first steps with the first - hence my "work-in-progress" label. I hope your experience of life is full of self-compassion - I'd love to hear your stories.
Song of the Week - I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles
I have a quirky sense of humour. I used to be ashamed of it but as part of my self-compassion learning and growth I am learning to be proud of it. So I've picked this week's song in honour of that and the mindfulness of swimming that led to this week's blog.
Listen to it here:
Statement of Intent
I am kind to myself, I am part of everyone, I am aware of my ups and downs.
I am self-ish, and that's OK
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