Bob Is Here To Stay...Hooray?
In this week's Blog I write a letter to Bob (grudgingly) to acknowledge that, though he may drive me up the wall sometimes, he serves an important purpose. I also talk a little bit about where the idea of "gremlins in our heads" came from. There will also be the usual song of the week and a statement of intent (what I call an affirmation because it's the only way to get my head, heart and soul to get on the same page!).
Inside the Life & Times of Bob & Me
I felt compelled to write the letter to Bob as I took a detour to visit the Chalice Well in Glastonbury, UK (to stand in and drink the healing waters) on my way to Cornwall after leaving the retreat mentioned in my introduction to this blog.
I used a technique called "free flow writing" in which you don't think about what to write, you simply start writing and see what comes out. I love it not only because it gives my brain a break (and I can REALLY get stuck up there sometimes!!) but because it is an excellent way to uncover things that are buried in my subconscious and therefore gain insights I would not otherwise get.
Here is what emerged...
Dear Bob,
When I first met you, I thought I was supposed to hate you. Your belittling words such as “you’re not good enough”, “you don’t belong”, and “you are not worthy because you are SOOOOOO far from being perfect that all you will ever be is ugly” were reason enough for it to take root in my heart. But then, on top of that, you add the weight of the shame I felt as a result of the consistent onslaught and the depth of my wholehearted belief that you had to “speak” the truth because who else could ever know me as well as you. No wonder I was desperate to rid you from my life.
And then the spark. A small, yet powerful beacon was lit in the pitch-black darkness that was my perception of myself. At first I resisted. I told myself “The light at the end of the tunnel is nothing more than a train, racing towards you and you will be flattened”. I was stuck in a negative cycle and with no way out it seemed. But my “stuckness” also brought stillness and time to see that no matter what I tried, the light remained – steadfast and true. Even more, the longer I focussed on the light, the more my senses expanded to show me the world was not as dark and as empty as I thought. I started to make out shapes, textures, depth. There was more to my world, I just had to trust the light and what it brought out, trust the universe and the plan it had for me, and, most importantly, trust myself.
“Ah Ha!!!”, I thought. “You are vanquished, Bob! No longer can you harm me”.
How wrong I was. I ignored the scars our battles had made. I ignored the new slices, cuts and wounds you made. I ignored them until the infection, once again, set in and once again I was full of shame, pain, regret, disbelief and anger at myself for not being stronger. I had to start again but do things differently. I have.
I have gotten great at telling you to [insert rude expletive that means "go away", especially when you deserve it – when you are not being fair, kind or compassionate. However, this is NOT the lesson I needed to learn. The lesson I had to learn was the need to give you an apology. My friend Atlantis said today “what you need is what you give”. It struck a chord (and formed part of the light that has begun to build once more). I need you to apologise to me, so I am going first…
I am sorry. You are not something that should be hated. You are not “pure evil who needs to be destroyed at all costs”. There are reasons why you are the way you are and there is beauty to be found in your darkness. I see all of you now. When shame is your agenda because I have been human and make a mistake, I see that you also give me an opportunity to learn and grow. When you make me feel that I do not belong, I understand you also give me the time and space I need to recharge my batteries, so I have what I need when I choose to reconnect. When I am angry at the injustices in my world and cannot find a way through them, you push me to ask myself where I may have played a part, why it matters and what can I do to help heal the situation.
I will no longer reject you without consideration, because you are and always will be a part of me and who I am. I need our darkness in order to see our light.
Does that mean I won’t tell you to "go away" in the future? No.
Does it mean that I won’t argue with you about how wrong your opinion is? No.
Does it mean that I won’t mutter and curse you under my breath when the balance seems to lean in your favour? No.
What it does mean is that I will lean into the discomfort your words bring, instead of away, and ask myself if you have a point, and if so how do I grow from it, or is it still exactly the right thing for me to say “Not today, Bob!”
Until next time.
Yours
Jocelyn.
Why Is Bob A Gremlin And Not A Kitten?
The evil creature out to get you is a common theme that we all encounter as children.
It made total sense to me, therefore, when Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, refers to the messages in our heads of "you're not good enough", "don't you dare get ideas above your station" etc. as gremlins.
As a VERY visual person, I immediately saw what Bob looked like, especially as Brene also likened the idea to Steven Spielberg's 1984 film "Gremlins". It fit perfectly and really helped me to find a bit of objectivity and distance from the thoughts.
Brene's advice, when you find yourself stuck or feeling shame etc. is to ask yourself "what are the gremlins saying?" (p66). This is now standard practice for me and has definitely helped me to unpack what's going on for me and what I need to do in order to quieten Bob.
The good news is that idea of Bob being a gremlin still works now I'm accepting that even gremlins/shadows/evil creatures have some redeeming features. For example, I can't help but think of the gremlins in Jim Henson's 1986 film "Labyrinth" (an all time favourite of mine and will feature in the future for definite!!) who, whilst "ugly" also make me laugh at their antics.
Song Of The Week - Try Everything (From Zootopia)
Listen to it now on: Spotify
Though the film is primarily child-oriented, listening to the words of this song struck a chord deep within me; especially the words “I keep falling down, I keep hitting the ground, I always get up now, see what’s next” and “nobody learns without gettin’ it wrong”. This is because I know I, too, will fall. I am human after all and therefore am not perfect. I will sometimes get it wrong and I will sometimes let Bob win. However, I will also do my very best to get up, dust myself off and ask “what’s the next step?”
Statement Of Intent
I am both dark and light. Both have beauty within them.
I have learnt in the last year that when you do the work to look into your own shadows, you find a lot to be proud of as much as the strengths or “good points” that make up my light. I am learning (and have a sneaky suspicion it will always be “a work-in-progress”) to truly accept them all because they all help me to learn, grow and heal.
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